In this video I will make a face mask from luxurious 3 ply quilted toilet paper, a couple large rubber bands left by the post man, and some staples. It is made with your comfort in mind, generously layering air pockets to offer the ultimate softness for both your face and behind.

The quilt pattern is akin to a duck down duvet, lightly moistened boasting a cotton fresh fragrance – helping you feel smugly superior while maintaining the appearance of being cleaner and fresher than everyone around you.

Not only can you saturate the layers with your moist breath and snot, it’s enriched scented balm, gently confuses your senses while the elegant and stylish exterior can polish your mobile phone screen from four different angles.

A fun activity or daily ritual for all the family to make together while preoccupying the children from the impending demise of their asset rich grandparents.

This type of mask is typically effective for ten seconds after which it’s recommended you dispose of by wiping against your soiled arse. Don’t forget to wash your hands afterwards, practice social distancing and avoid unnecessary travel – unless you are on a zero-hour contract, and are trying to purposely infect and kill your boss or landlord.